Entertainment of Friday, 17 March 2017
Men get preoccupied. Don’t confuse that with a loss of passion for the relationship he shares with you.
Has this ever happened to you?
You meet someone attractive and engaging. The spark of interest leads quickly to romantic attraction and mutual desire.
There is a special connection the just feels right. It’s like you’re on the same wavelength. Then, he begins to withdraw.
He seems to be pulling away. He’s preoccupied and seems to have no desire to share his inner thoughts with you the way he did before. During conversation, his responses reflect less attention to what you are saying. At the worst moments it can even seem as if you are alone while in his presence.
Why does this happen? Why do men so often seem to pull away after initially demonstrating the ability to connect with you in a genuine way?
This happens because men are wired differently when it comes to motivation. He is genetically designed to narrowly focus his attention on the most important “mission” at hand.
That doesn’t mean he stopped loving you. It means some other “mission” has temporarily distracted him. But here’s where things get messy.
Because he seems to be pulling away, your instincts tell you something is wrong.
This naturally causes you to feel a bit insecure. It also brings up negative emotions that could lead you to be short with him and possibly even passive-aggressive.
Your emotional state is reflecting the underlying question, “Why are you doing this to me?”
Meanwhile, his emotional state carries this command: “Reduce distractions and focus on taking care of the problem that has come up.” And the key here is this. The “problem that has come up” most likely has nothing to do with you.
Both genetics and environment have reinforced a tendency for men to be mission-minded. When a man’s mission is going well, he feels playful energy. During these times he will be emotionally engaged and genuinely interested in even the small details of your life.
The problem comes when he faces unusual difficulties that threaten the progress of one of his “missions” in life.
Unlike women, men are less likely to consider a relationship as a mission. Relationships are the fun things you do when you’re not working on your mission.
So when storms arise at work, in his business, or in other goals he is pursuing, he will become very distracted. You may even get the feeling he is only spending time with you because he feels obligated to.
You may be a top priority in his life, but it won’t feel that way when he gets preoccupied with one of his missions. This is a common root cause of painful experiences for women who invest their lives in men.
So what can you do about this?
You could hate men and choose to exclude them from your life. You could treat them like children and make fun of their inferior relationship skills. Or you could use this new insight to adapt in a way that gets you what you really want.
Here’s how to succeed in the long run. It’s a secret few women know, and the benefits are powerful and immediate.
Here it is in a nutshell. When he begins to become distant, don’t show anger, frustration, or passive aggressive attempts to make him feel the same pain he’s creating in you.
This will only serve to increase his certainty that the relationship will have to be set aside for now as he focuses on fixing the things that have gone wrong in one of his primary missions.
Instead, get him talking about the emotional impact of the difficulties he is facing.
Men don’t do this as easily and naturally as women. As a result, he may experience a profound sense of relief at being able to talk about what is going on and how it makes him feel.
Your gentle questions and patience will provide a form of “scaffolding” to allow him to reach a level of emotional expression that is just a tad higher than his current skill level for talking about feelings.
Don’t offer to fix anything. That is an emasculating behavior that may cause him to react to you in anger as if you just told him he is incompetent. Just ask him what he needs to focus on right now.
When he starts talking about the circumstances rather than the feelings, just wait till he’s done and then ask why those circumstances are important to him.
Using the word “important,” conveys respect for the mission he’s on, which will cause him to see you as an ally rather than a tempting distraction he must avoid. Help him express his feelings and sort out the conflicts he may be experiencing internally.
Next, give him space to work this out.
He will return to you with full engagement and even greater commitment and interest if you give him time and continue to be emotionally supportive.
Meanwhile, women who don’t understand this secret of the male mind will be pushing their man away with increasing displays of negative emotion. He will have very little tolerance for negative emotion when he feels his focus needs to be elsewhere.
Many otherwise wonderful relationships have ended this way. Don’t let it happen to you.
Instead, be the woman who amazes him. Get inside his head and become irreplaceable as the one person in his life who seems to support him and understand him when he needs it most.
If you would like to learn more about how men think, and what it takes to keep a guy while building the best relationship possible, click on the link below.